


Silence In The Trees

by vclkyries



Category: American Revolution RPF, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety, Blow Jobs, Dark, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, Fluffy, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Illness, Rape, Really dark, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Top!Thomas, alexander is raped, and peggy, bottom!alexander, eliza and peggy are alexanders best friends, flash backs, he is not okay, its really dark, lafayette is gay, peggy is my fav character tbh, really gay, thomas jefferson is pure, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-14 10:24:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8010010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vclkyries/pseuds/vclkyries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>**TRIGGER WARNING**<br/>This fic heavily revolves around rape and getting over rape. There will be semi-detailed descriptions of it so if you are prone to attacks triggered by rape, I recommend you don't read this. </p><p>***</p><p>Everything fucking sucked because for the first time in a long time, he felt completely alone in the world and nobody would’ve been able to comfort him. His life, he friends, his happiness was slowly falling apart and nothing could bring it back because he was was absolutely convinced that he had brought it upon himself when he went to the club that night. </p><p>Alexander was alone and it was his own fault. </p><p>***</p><p>Alexander Hamilton is raped. All he has is his crumbling mental health, his two best friends Elizabeth and Peggy Schuyler. Well, at least that's what he thinks. In the most unlikely ways, his political enters his life as well. </p><p>***</p><p>Explicit. Detailed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My Hope, Faith, and Every Last Desire

“When the spark grew into a flame,  
And the flames grew much higher,  
And my hope, faith and every last desire,  
Is just another thing that we lost in the fire.”  
-Things We Lost In The Fire, Janet Devlin

Tonight was supposed to be fun. Alexander was supposed to be enjoying himself. He was supposed to be dancing with his friends. He was supposed to be watching Laf down a couple shots, John dance on the table tops and Herc try and catch a date. He was supposed to be going home with a date. He was supposed to be having fun. He was supposed to. 

Things never turn out how they’re supposed to. 

_“Hurry up, mon ami!” Lafayette called, his french accent thicker when dosed with alcohol._

_Alexander laughed and made his way to the dance floor. He was timid at first, barely bouncing slightly but as soon as he had gotten a couple more shots into his system, he was jumping up and down, hips swinging and a laugh falling from his lips. Hercules teasingly slapped his ass which earned the man a playful shove. This was fun._

_“Hey, maybe you’ll actually find someone who’ll love you tonight, eh?” Alex teased Herc._

_The tailor rolled his eyes. Lafayette took Alexander’s hand as they went to grab another cocktail, chittering the entire way toward the bar. That’s when Alexander first noticed the mysterious man on the other side of the room. The way the man was looking at him made him uncomfortable but he still smiled._

He wasn’t supposed to be in pain. He wasn’t supposed to be showering and scrubbing at himself vigorously in a painful attempt to wash away his filthiness. He wasn’t supposed to be falling apart in his bathroom. He wasn’t supposed to be crying his eyes out as he banged his fists against the tiled walls. He felt so dirty. Everything felt so dirty. He felt used, disgusting. He brought this upon himself. He shouldn’t have went with that guy. He shouldn’t have tried to push away. He shouldn’t have been wearing jeans that tight. He shouldn’t have done this. He shouldn’t have done that. 

_The man pressed himself up against Alexander. He felt a gentle, kind whisper in his ear as he grinded back._

_“Come with me, gorgeous?” said the voice._

_Alexander moaned lightly and nodded, taking the hand of the unknown person and walking off to an unknown destination. He heard Laf and Herc hoot in support and smirked slightly, allowing himself to just let go and enjoy what was about to come._

He furiously wiped at his eyes as another loud and broken sob left his lips. He slid down the shower wall, the water feeling like acid burning his skin. His arms were cradled around his chest as he shook and cried. The tears felt endless. It felt like the entire world was caving in on him and the only person to blame was himself. Or so, at least he thought. He hated this now. Hated the feeling of being naked. He was showering in his boxers but he still felt so incredibly vulnerable although nobody was there. He felt like he was being judged although there wasn’t anybody there to judge him. He felt broken. 

_He was shoved against the wall of the dingy bathroom stall. A pair of harsh, fast moving lips were upon his, forcefully biting and nipping. When Alexander pulled away out of discomfort, he felt a hand hit the side of his head and the lips were immediately back on his. The space between his brows creased as he attempted to push the other away._

_“S-stop, I don’t w-want to do this.” He managed to stutter out as he realised that the man he was dealing with was clearly much stronger than he was._

_The man didn’t stop. He felt the grip on his body tighten the more he squirmed. A large hand came to pin his hands above his head when he began to understand: this wasn’t going to stop._

He gasped out another cry as he heard his phone begin to ring loudly, the sound invasive and ugly to his ears. He didn’t want to deal with anything right now. He didn’t want to deal with the world. He couldn’t deal with the world. He was the one who had fucked up. He had fucked up so bad. He always fucked up so bad. He shouldn’t have gone out this night. He shouldn’t have smiled at that man. He ran his hand through his hair and over his body many more times in an attempt to wipe away what was left of the imprints left by his assaulter. 

He stood up, slowly and shakily. His eyes were glazed over with a never ending flow of tears. He made his way from the shower, shivering slightly. He hesitantly looked at his wet boxers and tugged them down, reaching to put on a new pair as quickly as he possibly could. He didn’t want to be naked. He didn’t want to be exposed. Not again. Not like that again. It was bad. It felt so so bad. Along with the boxers, he threw on an oversized tshirt to cover his top half, hating the idea that there may be marks from how roughly he had been handled. His mind shot back a couple hours. 

_The man prodded at Alexander’s pants. Alex twisted and shifted, a scream on his lips that simply wouldn’t leave his throat. He wanted the man to stop so bad. He wanted this entire thing to stop immediately. He felt the button of his jeans fall off as his zipper was tugged open and the pants were tugged off completely. He was left only in his cotton boxers._

_“S-stop! P-please stop!” He said, the tears finally coming to his eyes and spilling._

_The man was acting as if he couldn’t hear Alex. He felt a hand rub at his crotch and he wanted to kick, yell out. Just anything that would make this entire thing stop. He felt a zipper opening and knew that this would be it. He couldn’t stop this and it would happen no matter how much he protested. He lost all hope._

He moved swiftly out of the bathroom, refusing to look at himself in the mirror. He didn’t want to see any remnants of what had happened. His body was one of them and he couldn’t get away from it. He made his way towards his bed and stood there momentarily, his knees touching the soft mattress. He was hesitant about lying down. He didn’t want to sleep. He didn’t even know if he could sleep after what had happened. He clenched and unclenched his jaw, feeling his throat tighten up again. 

_There was no prep. The man just pushed in and the pain was absolutely unbearable. Alexander finally found his voice to let out a cry. The man punched him and held a hand over his mouth. Alex slumped, no longer having any will to fight. He just wanted it to be over. It hurt so fucking much. His tears were running rampantly now as the man tugged on his pony tail. All he heard from the other was grunts and quiet “fuck” and “baby”._

_He was silent when the hand was removed from his mouth, too far gone to actually say anything. It didn’t take long for the man to be pushed over the edge, only a gasp leaving his mouth._

He climbed on the bed slowly, almost experimentally. He shifted his body so he was laying on his back, eyes staring at the ceiling. The tears started again. He didn’t do anything to brush them away this time. He just let himself quiver and cry. The tears were silent this time. He attempted to shut his eyes but another memory shot through his mind. He curled in on himself a little bit more. 

_The man quickly pulled out of him and zipped up his own pants. Alexander dropped to the ground when the man left, no longer having anything to hold him up. He didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to feel. He pulled up his boxers slowly, a sob escaping his body. He didn’t want to be naked. He didn’t know how long he sat there. Maybe 2 minutes, maybe 2 hours. It didn’t matter._

Alexander quickly opened his eyes again, more shakes going through his small form. He was on his side now, knees drawn up to his chest. Why did this have to happen to him? Was it written in his destiny? Why did the world hate him so much? Thoughts rushed through his mind as everything began to feel more and more crowded as the evening continued. He realised at this point that there was no way he was actually going to get to sleep so he grabbed his phone from the nightstand to see why is phone had been ringing and buzzing. 

_(3 missed calls from Frenchman_  
1 missed call from Betsey  
5 missed calls from Pegs) 

_Frenchman: alexander, where r u?_  
Frenchman: why r u not answering ur phone?  
Frenchman: mon ami? 

_John: alex, where u at?_  
John: did you leave already?  
John: we cant find you but we’re going home now 

_Pegs: answer your phone_  
Pegs: alex im worried whats up  
Pegs: u never do this  
Pegs: alex? 

_Betsey: alex pegs and i are worried  
Betsey: why arent you answering your phone??_

He shot back a text to Peggy just saying he was fine, knowing full well that there was no way she was actually going to believe him. He tried anyways. He didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t entirely sure he could actually talk, let alone think of something realistic and clever enough to text back to the Schuyler sisters. They were probably getting ready to come over. He only sighed and brushed the wetness off his face, pulled his blanket over his body and attempted to bring himself to sleep once more. If he was completely honest, he was terrified of actually going to sleep. 

_Alexander pulled himself off of the cool tiled floor and tugged up his pants, buckling up the belt. He still had tears running down his face and his eyes were red and puffy. His body was weak and barely able to support itself as he stood. His back hurt tremendously and when he moved his legs, he was extremely sore from the forceful nature of the unknown man. He didn’t know if that had been rape or if it could’ve been prevented or if he could’ve run away. He ran his hand through his hair, realising that his ponytail had fallen apart._

_He left the stall slowly, thankful when he noticed nobody was there. Slowly, he walked up to his mirror and looked himself up and down, hating every feature. His eyes were bloodshot, his face was flushed, his body was shaking, his lips were bleeding and he had an unflattering bruise across his cheek from the violence. He washed his face quickly with the water, still not feeling clean in any way. He slowly inched his way from the disgusting bathroom, trying to keep the pain minimal._

Alex’s skin was red from the amount of times he had scrubbed over with a loofa and just moving on his bed hurt. His body still ached and his cheek was throbbing. However, he felt happier than he was previously seeing as he’d cleaned himself up but he had still never felt shittier in his life. Everything hurt so bad. Physically and mentally. Although Alexander would never admit it, he was gentle. He was soft. He was breakable. He’d gone through enough shit in his life and just having another thing happened felt like the worst. 

Everything fucking sucked because for the first time in a long time, he felt completely alone in the world and nobody would’ve been able to comfort him. His life, he friends, his happiness was slowly falling apart and nothing could bring it back because he was was absolutely convinced that he had brought it upon himself when he went to the club that night. 

Alexander was alone and it was his own fault.


	2. Shipwreck

_“Can you keep a secret,_  
Will hold your head,  
I’m on the flames.  
Honey, you’re a shipwreck,  
With your heart of stone.”   
-Heart of Stone, IKO 

Alexander awoke with a start, his breathing ragged and his cheeks stained with tears. His chest was rising and falling at an unsteady pace as he sat up and leaned against his headboard, burying his face in his knees. He had woken several times during the night — horrifying nightmares plaguing his once calm mind. He tried to calm his breathing, counting how long he breathed in and out for, just trying to relax. He wiggled slightly, pain shooting up his spine from the soreness and memories of the previous evening came flooding into his mind when he wished they hadn’t. He had been crying a lot lately and surprisingly, the tears didn’t come this time. He felt so numb. Broken. Dirty. Disgusting. 

Alex pulled the blanket up to his body and cradled it around his chest, breathing heavily into the soft material. Rubbing his head, he grabbed his phone from beside him, slowly and almost wearily. The screen lit up and he couldn’t help the little whimper that left his lips when he noticed that both Peggy and Eliza had practically blown up his messages with worry. That’s when he noticed the little:

_Pegs: that’s it, we’re coming over. see ya in 10 minutes!!!  
[Sent 9 minutes ago]_

He groaned and glanced over at the mirror, hoping he looked halfway presentable. No matter how much he tried telling himself he was, he still had bags under his eyes, his eyes were dull and puffy, his hair was messy and he was deathly pale. Hell, he barely even looked alive. He let out a small huff and looked down at his clothes, feeling tears burning at the corners of his eyes when he noticed he was only in boxers. This felt really bad. 

He looked at the time. It was 8:30. He knew he wasn’t going to work. He didn’t want to go to work. Going to work would be a really really terrible idea considering the state he was in. He looked back down at his phone and dialed Washington’s secretary’s number, quickly telling the man’s assistant that he was ill and couldn’t attend work. His voice sounded so raw when he heard it out loud, it was embarrassing for him. 

Before he could finish his self battering, he heard a loud knock at the door and the yell of a certain Schuyler sister and then an immediate “Shh, Pegs!” from the other Schuyler girl there. He didn’t get out of bed. He didn’t want to but soon, came another knock and nervous chittering. That’s all it took for him to slowly crawl out of bed, pull on sweatpants and go to the door, his cheeks still wet. He opened the door to see 2 scared sisters. 

Peggy stood there in a yellow sundress and converse, black rimmed shades on, and her hair in a pretty fishtail braid. Eliza was wearing a light blue crop top and converses, a pair of shorts, and her hair fell elegantly over her shoulders, untouched. There was one thing in particular they had in common though, their eyebrows were knitted together with concern which only solidified when they saw Alexander’s clearly poor state. He bit his lip hard enough to draw blood and looked down, wrapping his arms around his body insecurely. 

“Holy shit, Alex, what happened?” Peggy asked, concern laced in her tone. 

“Alex, dear, are you okay?” Eliza asked, her hand coming to his back. 

And then, Alexander broke down once more. 

***

Thomas Jefferson strutted into the meeting room, head held up high as he glanced over the attendees. Everything looked normal apart from one thing. He spent a good minute trying to figure out what was wrong with the scene when it hit him — Hamilton wasn’t here. That annoying little prick that he shouldn’t be concerned about wasn’t here. He shook his head, it wasn’t as if he liked Hamilton or needed him here — there was no reason to care. He let out an involuntary scoff as he attached his eyes to the work in front of him.

“The meeting will begin.” Washington said loudly after clearing his voice.

About 10 minutes in, Jefferson zoned out, having nothing to say for his debate buddy was absent. He couldn’t help the worry that rose in his chest as he allowed his mind to wander. Where was Hamilton? Was the man alright? Why was he missing work? He let out a small frustrated sigh which caused a few eyes to come to him. He shook his head and waved his hand as if to say ‘never mind’. However, he couldn’t shake off the unwanted concern. Something felt really wrong. Hamilton never missed work. 

Either way, it wasn’t anything he could solve so he tried to bring his mind back to the meeting in an attempt to push away the journeying thoughts. 

***

Alexander, Eliza and Peggy sat on his couch. He was sat between the two of them, arms cradled around his legs which were drawn up to his chest. He cried quietly as the sisters held him close, comforting words being whispered in his ear. Of course, they had no idea what had caused this but Peggy was on the verge of murdering the asshole that hurt Alex and Eliza was ready to ruin their life. 

He let out a small whimper as his tears slowed. A shaky breath left his lips as he finally looked up and forced a small smile. That didn’t shake the worry from the sisters, hell, it had made it worse. Alexander was never like this. Who did this to him? Why was not okay? Eliza was the first to speak as she lay a gentle kiss to his cheek. 

“Alex, what’s happened?” He voice was smooth and velvety, almost too perfect. 

“Bad stuff.” He said, his voice barely above a whisper. 

“What bad stuff, love?” Eliza asked again, trying to coax a proper answer from him. 

Peggy just sat there and pushed her glasses up which were slowly sliding down her nose. She returned her hand to his back, rubbing small comforting circles as she watched him try and get some words out. 

“I w-went to th-the club y-yesterday.” he said slowly, swallowing slowly. 

The girls were patient, allowed him to take his time. They knew something serious must’ve happened and they didn’t want to force him into saying things quickly if they simply couldn’t be said quickly.

“I m-met this g-guy.” He curled up a little more as red flags shot through Eliza’s mind. “He s-seemed so n-nice. We were k-kissing and h-he wanted m-more. I tr-tired telling h-him no. H-he wouldn’t l-listen to me. I should’ve p-pushed away. I sh-shouldn’t have g-gone w-with him.” 

His voice was choked and growing increasingly shaky with every word as the tears started up again. It felt as though he was crying so much that the tears may as well have stained his once smooth cheeks. He turned to look at the sisters who both looked shocked, angry and greatly upset. Peggy looked extremely pissed, as if she were ready to hurt someone. Eliza looked sad, tears brimming at the corner of her eyes as well. The both opened their mouths and closed them as they tried to find the perfect words to say.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Peggy was the first to speak. 

She quickly enveloped him in her arms, squeezing him tightly to her chest. It didn’t take long to for Eliza to join the loving embrace as they just allowed Alexander to cry in their arms. Eliza tucked some of his hair behind his ear, her eyes soft and non-judgemental. She felt a couple tears slip out, from her dark eyes. Pegs was half trembling from anger and half from sorrow as she attempted to hold in violent words of her own. 

“Alex, I’m so sorry. You… you didn’t deserve that. Sweetheart, listen to me, you didn’t deserve that.” Eliza said lovingly, her tone hushed.

Alexander simply poured his emotions out. He was convinced that that he no longer had tears to cry but that was wrong — he had plenty left. He had plenty of sorrows left. He had plenty of hurt left.

“I w-wanted it t-to stop s-so bad.” He rubbed at his eyes, his voice sounded strangled and wrecked. “It h-hurt so m-much.” 

“Shh, shh, you don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to, Alex.” Pegs hushed sweetly.

He nodded. And they held him. That’s all that he needed. 

***

Thomas, growing increasingly worried when Hamilton didn’t show up for lunch, pulled out his phone and shot his rival a quick, simple text that showed no signs of concern rather indifference. He didn’t want to look like he cared. Ew. Okay, maybe that wasn’t so far off. Madison was desperate to convince him that his consistent arguing with Alex was just “pent up romantic tension”. He remembered laughing for a solid ten minutes before thinking about it more deeply. 

Maybe he and Alexander’s “hatred” was actually built off of romantic tension? Hell, he couldn’t count the amount of times he’d had an urge to just surge forward and kiss Alexander while they were in the midst of a heated debate. Or the amount of times he’d thought about those gorgeous brown eyes or how elegantly his dark hair fell over his shoulders. Of course, he’d never admit this to Alexander. He had too much pride for that. How had his mind wandered so far from the initial text? Was his ego so big that he had to justify showing concern for a peer? He scoffed for the second time in one day and shoved his phone back in his pocket. There was a light blush that tinted his cheeks as his embarrassment grew although there wasn’t reason for him to be embarrassed. It wasn’t as if Alex was there. No way. 

He didn’t like Alex. What a stupid idea. 

***

Alexander’s phone buzzed and he looked at it for a moment, not sure if he should go ahead and grab it or just ignore it. Pegs and Eliza were in the kitchen making lunch so he was alone with shitty reruns of ‘How I Met Your Mother’. Without another thought he grabbed the phone only to be disappointed to see who the message was from. 

_[1 message from Magenta Asshat]_

_Magenta Asshat: Hamilton, why weren’t you at work today? I don’t really care but Washington needs you._

He thought for a moment, wanting to come up with a clever reply but his mind was far too muddled so he just settled with a: 

_Hamilton: leave me the fuck alone_

He thought about the text for a moment. Why would Washington need him if he’d specifically called in sick? Why was Jefferson texting him at all if it was the boss that needed him? It simply didn’t add up. Perhaps Jefferson was just texting him to make fun of him? That sounded like something that Virginian would do to him. He hated Jefferson. Well, not really. But what he did mean was that Jefferson definitely hated him. 

Perfect. He tossed his phone aside again and quickly buried himself within the pillows, feeling somewhat less vulnerable that he did earlier now that he was covered on all ends. He was too tired to deal with anything. Well, not really tired rather emotionally drained. He shut his eyes for a moment.

_Pain. All Alexander could feel was pain as he was thrust into without mercy. Was that blood trickling down his leg? What was that? It hurt so bad. It hurt so bad. It hurt so bad. He could feel a breathless scream on his lips as the man relentlessly continued torturing his fragile body. No, no, no! Stop… please stop…_

He screamed, eyes shooting open, water flooding them. He saw Peggy and Eliza run into the room only to see him practically curl into a little ball. Eliza tried to touch his back lightly but he flinched and cried out.

“Please don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me…” He chanted, his shaking intensifying with every passing minute. 

Eliza was horrified and trembling as well as she watched one of her closest friends practically fall apart. Peggy, however, knew what to do as she knelt by his side, hushing him slowly. Her hands carefully and cautiously made their way up to his hair and tucked a few stray strands behind his ear. His shaking lessened as he peeked out from his knees to look at the girl in front of him. 

“What’s my full name, Alex?” She asked. 

“What the fuck are you doing, Peggy.” Eliza whisper-yelled. 

“Grounding questions, shut up!!” Peggy shot back in the same voice. 

Alexander careful stuttered out: “M-Margarita Peggy S-Schuyler.” 

“Now, what’s her full name.” Pegs directed Alexander’s gaze to Eliza. 

“E-Elizabeth S-Schuyler.” He said, breathing having calmed slightly. 

“Good job, dear.” The curly haired Schuyler praised before wrapping Alexander up in her arms. 

Alex happily obliged, cuddling further into her as she held him, comforted him. Eliza stood there, befuddled with what had just happened. She mouthed the question, ‘What was that?’ but Peggy paid no attention as she allowed Alex to let out his fears and emotions once more. He was whispering small thank you’s under his breath as he slowly was brought back to his previous, semi calm state. Of course, the little tremor that radiated through his body never really went away, it was only soothed slightly.

Alexander thought of the future. Would this pain ever go away? Would he constantly have flashbacks every 5 minutes? Could he ever go to work again? How many excuses could he make up until somebody found out? If Jefferson found out, he’d be the laughing stock of the office. He couldn’t let the man find out. It would actually end him. 

Alexander’s condition was slowly getting worse and nobody knew exactly what to do. Especially not Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i really hope you enjoyed this chapter !!! i liked writing this a lot because i love describing modern!eliza and peggy its always so cute because they are so cute. this was also painful to write but i i really do enjoy writing it <3 i love you all !!! stay safe dears !!
> 
> please leave a comment telling me how i did or anything u want haha <3 
> 
> song i listened to while writing this:   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szp9x1ZlZn4


	3. Standing Cowardly

“I can feel your breath,  
I can feel my death,  
I want to know you,  
I want to see.   
I want to say,  
Hello.”   
-Trees, twenty one pilots

Eliza and Peggy had stayed with Alex for about 3 days, caring for him, making sure he was okay and basically taking care of the poor man of whom was in such a bad mental space that he couldn’t take care of himself properly. He barely showered and ate. It was the sisters that always forced him to make sure he was hydrated, clean and just generally okay health wise. There was still a lingering stinging in his back end but the pain had been soothed slightly. Every time he stood however, it was a small but constant reminder of what had happened. It made his head hurt to think about anything. 

“I’m taking another sick day.” He said into the phone, voice quivering as he was worried that his fourth sick day in a row wouldn’t be accepted. 

“I’m sorry Mr. Hamilton, you’ve used all your sick days. You can talk to Mr. Washington personally about this matter.” The female voice spoke on the other end, almost bored. 

“Are you sure? Is there any other way I ca-” his voice was rising as panic rushed through his chest.

“Speak to Mr. Washington, sir.” The lady cut him off. 

He let out a deep sigh, trying to calm down before politely thanking her and slamming the phone down, almost breaking the small machine. His hands were shaking as he tried to muster up whatever was left of his courage to call his boss. The more he thought, the more it hurt and the more he realised that he wouldn’t be able to do this without breaking down again. He had broken down enough over the past few days. 

It had reached an absolutely unhealthy and frankly pitiful point where his mental health had completely deteriorated. He acted more as a robot, all of his actions mechanical rather than emotionally based and fueled. It hurt his friends to see him this way but he wasn’t in any state to be able to perform any better. He was numb. A shattered piece of glass scattered across the ground. The bags under his eyes had deepened as he was too afraid to actually sleep anymore. He lived terrified that another flashback would shoot through his mind. He didn’t want to remember. He wanted to avoid and never think of it again. 

Quickly, he pressed the green call button underneath Washington’s name and bit his lip hard enough to actually draw blood. He watched as it rang, the tension burning in his chest as he awaited anxiously for the man to pick up. 

“Alexander!” He heard the man’s cheerful voice on the other end. 

“Mr. Washington.” He said slowly, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. 

“What’s wrong, son?” Washington almost immediately asked, recognizing that there was something deeply wrong in Hamilton’s lack of response. “Why haven’t you been at work for the fast few days?” 

“I can’t.” Was all Alexander managed to splutter out as he attempted to massage the tightness of his throat away. 

“Can’t what?” 

“C-come to work.” He said, choking up further. Even over the phone, the other man could recognize that Alex was on the verge of tears. 

“If it’s that bad, I understand.” Washington replied, voice soothing. He knew Alexander wasn’t one to just miss work recklessly. “Take as much time as you need, call me if you need anything.” 

“Th-thank you sir.” He stuttered, quickly hanging up the phone before his boss could reply with anything further. He was afraid he’d show more emotion than he wanted to. 

He put down his phone more gently this time, his chest feeling a little bit lighter. He was unbelievably grateful to have such an understanding man as his boss. It helped him through situations such as these. It’s not as though he’s ever really been in a situation like this though. He rubbed his eyes gently, trying to get any last traces of grogginess or sleep from them. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up slowly, lagging slightly with every step he took toward the bathroom. 

He stripped down to his boxers, fingers hooked around the band as he debated whether he actually wanted to take them off or not. He didn’t know if he was fully comfortable. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to. And that’s when he shoved them down, quickly putting on a new pair with his eyes squeezed shut. He felt a few tears slip from his eyes but he quickly wiped them away as he scrubbed over his face. He brushed, washed his hands and put on a hoodie and sweatpants before walking out into the living room. A beautiful scent was laced within the air. It smelled like Eliza’s perfume. He smiled slightly and shook his head. There was a small note on the table. 

_Pegs and I have gone out for a small break. Be back soon with lunch xx -Betsey_

Guilt rushed through his chest as he read over the message a few times. He had put his friends through so much shit with his issues and he couldn’t help but feel absolutely horrible that they actually felt the need to leave a message saying that they needed a break. He hadn’t given them any breaks. He was such a terrible person. He carefully folded the note up and put it in a small wooden box where he kept all of his favourite possessions. Yes, he was a sentimental loser. No, he wasn’t ashamed. 

Quickly, he put on his headphones and turned on his favourite album; “Vessel”. He allowed the music to fill his ears, making it the only peaceful sound that rung through his mind. He felt his eyes flutter shut momentarily but he quickly reopened them, fear running through his body. He had the album on shuffle and that’s when his favourite song came on. 

“Stay alive,  
Stay alive for me.   
You will die,  
But now your life is free.” the voice sang gently. 

He shut his eyes this time, trying to feel the words in his soul. Trying to get the most he possibly could from the gentle melody. The breathtaking piano that gave the song so much life. 

_“You’re such a fucking slut, just taking me like that.” The man whispered in his ear._

_Alexander was slumped against the wall as the man pounded into him. He had his head resting on the disgusting stall. His arms were loose at his sides as tears poured from his eyes. He was making no sounds. Just letting it happen. He should've fought back. He should've fought back. He should’ve fought back…_

Alexander quickly jolted his eyes open again, on the brink of a panic attack. His breathing was unsteady and his eyes were about to burst once more. He quickly shook his head and wiped the tears away. He wasn’t going to cry over this anymore. He was fine. He was fine. He wasn’t fine. He wasn’t fine. He didn’t allow himself to cry. He was stronger than that. But was he really? 

Of course, that was the perfect time that Eliza and Peggy decided to burst through his front door, singing some random song. The looked so happy and carefree. It made Alexander calm down a little bit. Then, their eyes landed on him and their once happy expressions twisted into one of grave concern as they quickly put down the sandwiches and rushed to his side, comforting words immediately spilling from their lips. Alex was silent as they held him. Even if he wasn’t thrashing and sobbing, they knew that he needed them desperately. He needed someone to just hold him and comfort him whilst everything seemed to be falling apart. After a couple minutes, they let go. 

“I’m going back to work tomorrow.” Alex said, his voice hushed. 

Pegs immediately began to shake her head. “Alex, you’re not ready for that. Not yet, you should stay here. We’ll take care of you! Please, come on Alex.” 

Eliza said nothing as she watched him for any sign of resistance against Peggy’s disapproval. Once she saw none, she knew that his mind had already been made up. There was no convincing him otherwise. Mentally unstable or not, he was still Alexander Hamilton. She kissed the side of his head and leaned on his shoulder. 

“Just be safe, okay?” She pleaded softly. Although she may have disagreed, there was nothing she would’ve been able to do. 

***

Thomas Jefferson paced outside of Hamilton’s office, expecting the man to show up at any minute. He hadn’t been at work for 3 days. _3 days_. Thomas, even if he would never say it to Alex’s face, was incredibly worried. His anxiety got worse and worse every single hour Alexander didn’t show up to work. He knew he had some sort of feelings toward Alexander but actually having the immigrant away just proved to him how much he wanted the other man to always be there by him. Well, it wasn’t as if Alexander was really by him rather a comforting (annoying) presence. Thomas found himself fidgeting slightly when the other man didn’t show up. He let out an exasperated breath and pulled out his phone, finger hovering over the call button for Hamilton. He was going to have to figure this out somehow. 

Quickly he pressed it, watching as it rung. It was about the 9th ring when he thought the other man wasn’t going to pick up but then all of the sudden:

“What the fuck do you want, Jefferson?” 

Thomas winced slightly before taking a deep breath and calming himself. “Where have you been?” 

“Why should you care?” Alexander sounded cold, unwilling to cooperate. 

“Because I want your ass back at work, the meetings are tedious.” Jefferson tried to sound uncaring and bored as he spoke, not giving any hint to Hamilton that he may have missed him.

Alex softened slightly, too exhausted to deal with any of this. “Jefferson, I really don’t have the mental strength to deal with this.” He said, his voice growing gentler. He expected Thomas to make fun of him for it.

Jefferson frowned, clutching the phone a little tighter, fearful that Alexander would disappear and do something bad if he let go. “How rude you are, Hamilton. Go if you must.” 

“Thank you.” the other secretary spat out, nothing but hostility in his tone. 

And then all he hear was the sound of the call ending. He couldn’t help but feel a little pang at his heart as he let out a frustrated grunt, shoving the iPhone back in his pocket. His call with Hamilton hadn’t exactly soothed any deep concerns he had, in fact, it had made them way worse. Jefferson suddenly had an urge to seek out the other man, cancel all his meetings and find out what was really wrong. He quickly pushed this idea out of his mind -- it was ludicrous. He shook his head and let out a disapproving cough to himself. He needed to suppress these new found emotions. They weren’t right.

***

Alexander had never reached a point in his life where he wanted to die so bad. He looked down at his trembling hands. Eliza and Peggy were by him, talking about something, not noticing him as he was slowly unraveling once more. For a moment, his mind wandered. How could he help himself right now? Maybe he could play video games? Watch a movie? Go outside? Go outside. Maybe that was an okay idea. He smiled at the thought of walking through the park. That would be a nice relaxing thing to do, right? Yes it would. He abruptly stood up, startling the poor girls beside him. They looked at him worriedly. 

“I need to go.” He said, quickly pulling up his hoodie. 

“Where?” The sisters both asked at once. 

“Anywhere.” He replied simply, giving them a small fake smile and turning on his heel, ready to leave his apartment which he had suddenly grown fond of. 

“Be safe, Alex!” He heard Betsey’s voice call. 

He said nothing as he quickly shut the door and went down onto the sidewalk, allowing a cool breeze to hit his body. It was uncomfortable at first, feeling like somebody was going to jump out and attack him at any minute which was an irrational fear but a justified one. He glanced at his surroundings, just taking in the environment. New York wasn’t exactly the ideal place but he made the best of it. 

This was okay. Things were a little bit okay. He would go to work tomorrow and be a little bit _okay_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yall. im not gonna pretend or anything in these comments at the bottom of each chapter but my mental health is so shitty right now. my anxiety is getting worse and i really don't know if i want to continue living? ive experiened some of the things that have happened in this fic so its really helping to write. i just am not rly happy i guess eh. i really love you all and im glad youre reading this. i appreciate you all so much. 
> 
> please leave a comment telling me how i did <3 
> 
> song i listened to while writing:   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NK7WWbXlkj4


	4. Better than I was, but still not good.

“Are you okay? Do you have your money?” Eliza asked, smoothing out and buttoning his jacket. 

“Are you sure you wanna go? You have your laptop?” Peggy finished, handing him his briefcase and tucking away any strands of his hair. 

Alexander was going to work again for the first time in a week. Pegs and Betsey insisted that they wanted to fuss over him and try and talk him out of going but he wasn’t budging. He stood there in the living room, a frown and pout on his face whilst mumbling “yes” to all of their ridiculously extensive questions. Eliza gave him a kiss on the forehead before moving to sort out his tie. Peggy was mumbling something about how him going to work was such a bad idea while letting down his hair and retying it so it was more neat. He huffed and grabbed both their arms and gave them a soft, reassuring smile before letting them go. 

“I’m going to be fine.” He insisted, pushing up his glasses on his nose instinctively. 

They both sighed, a lopsided smile on either of their faces. Eliza gathered her hair and placed it gently to one side, concern written all over her posture as she used every bit of restraint she had to not reach forward and continue fiddling with his outfit. They were acting like a mother sending their child to school on the first day. Alex glanced at the time and decided it was about time that he left. He took both their hands and gave them a kiss before flashing a fake smile and moving to the door. 

“I’m off, kiddos!” He said before turning on his heel and rushing out of the apartment. 

He faintly heard Peggy call him an “are you sure?!” but he was too far from the apartment to give a decent reply. He raced down the stairs, his heart pounding as nervousness took over him. Was he sure that he could go to work? Could he function okay? He didn’t know. He still hadn’t slept in a while, nightmares never leaving his mind. He still collapsed at random points in the day as flashbacks clouded his vision. Was this a good idea? He quickly shook off the thought before pursing his lips and surging forward and waiting at the bus station, giving him even more time to contemplate his decisions. 

***

Alexander stood about 10 feet away from the office gate taking in several deep breaths. What if he walked in and everyone knew what had happened to him? He didn’t want that. He really really didn’t want that. What if Thomas noticed him and decided to taunt him? Could he handle that right now? Fuck Thomas, what if ANYBODY talked to him? He stood there by a tree, lips parted slightly, breaths coming in shallow and quick. He felt tears burning at the corners of his eyes as the thoughts grew more and more drastic with every second he stayed by his work place. He ran his hand aggressively through his hair, loosening the once tight tie. Soon, his hair was messy and untamed -- exactly how he was feeling.

Quickly, he shoved himself away from the damn tree and walked forward, his throat feeling choked and every step feeling unsteady. He adjusted his glasses for the millionth time that morning as he walked into the building at approximately 8:50. He kept his head down as he walked in, noticing several people glancing at him. Suddenly, a figure stepped in front of him. He quickly recognised it was Washington and looked up, swallowing as another wave of fear rushed through him.

“Son, are you alright?” The older man asked him. 

Hamilton nodded and quickly reattached his eyes to his shoes once more. He felt a hand on his shoulder and let out a small breath of relief as Washington said something about talking to him whenever he liked. He just nodded along. When the boss finally left he moved away as fast as possible, making a beeline toward his small scruffy office. He usually hated it in there but at this moment in time, it was the only place he really wanted to be. In the midst of his thoughtless borderline sprinting, he ran into a much taller, solid figure. He fell backwards but quickly felt 2 large hands on his hips pulling him up again. He slowly moved his vision upwards, light brown eyes meeting dark ones. Thomas Jefferson. 

Jefferson quickly detached his hands from Hamilton and rubbed the back of his neck nervously, a sheepish smile on his lips. Hamilton narrowed his eyes and glared at him, his very presence annoying the smaller man. Alex crossed his arms over his chest and pursed his lips momentarily. 

“You’re back.” Jefferson breathed out before quickly coughing and straightening up. “Finally, you’ve neglected so much shit with your mini vacation, Hamilton.” 

“Yeah, no shit, I’m back.” Hamilton shot back. 

Alex felt anger welling up in his chest when Thomas called his time away a vacation. He felt the urge to scream at Jefferson, give him a lecture of the shit he’d been through in his “vacation”. The panic attacks, the mental breakdowns. He bit his lip to keep from saying anything he would regret. His time away had been anything but a vacation, it had been actual hell as he struggled to find the mental strength to get up every single morning. His life had become tedious. Painful. 

 

“You don’t know jack shit about me.” He hissed, shoving Jefferson roughly. 

“Wow, somebody's sensitive today.” Jefferson teased, an obnoxiously arrogant smirk playing on his lips. “Gilbert told me all about your little trip to the club, maybe you just can’t deal with a hangover? How sad.”

Alexander froze up, shoulders tensing up as a quick shock of memory raced through his mind. He said nothing for about 10 seconds before muttering a few comforting words to himself as he looked back up Thomas, his eyes filled with hurt and pain. Jefferson was taken aback at the pure emotion in the smaller man’s eyes, regretting what he said.

“Get the fuck away from me. Don’t talk to me. I want you as far away from me as fucking possible.” Alex blurted out all at once, not having any time or motivation to think of a witty comeback.

Thomas rolled his eyes before putting his hands up sarcastically and sauntering off to torment someone else. In reality, if Alex could see what Jefferson was feeling, he would’ve seen the relief practically rolling off the the Virginian as his past week of worry quickly melted away with Hamilton’s arrival. Alexander slammed his door making Thomas wince slightly. 

However, inside the office, Alex was shaking intensely. What if Thomas knew? Did everyone know now? What the fuck? How could they have found out? Did Lafayette know anything? None of his friends could’ve possibly known anything about what had happened. He left without telling them. He tried to calm himself down but his breaths were unsteady and it felt as if the whole world was slowly closing in on him. He moved forward slowly, sitting down at his desk and distracted his mind with the one thing he knew how to do best -- write. 

He opened up one of the documents to do with his ideas on managing the company's finances and began to type quickly. Faster than he had ever before because the words just kept pouring onto the screen in his pure desperation to think of anything but Thomas or that horrible evening at the club. His mind was soothed. Finally. 

***

Alexander had written for god knows how long. It was late. Well, he didn’t know that but it was about 9 at night and he was still furiously typing. His once 5 page financial plan had turned into a 150 page financial plan. He finished off the final sentence and fell back into his chair, breathing raggedly as if he’d just run a marathon when he heard a small knock at his door. He frowned but called for the person to come in. 

The door opened and revealed a displeased Thomas Jefferson. “What the fuck are you still doing here, Hamilton?”

Alexander clenched his fists and grinded his teeth. You could practically see the anger radiating off of him. “I needed to do work. What do you want?” 

Jefferson laughed. “Of course you are. Just came to bother you a little more, is all.” the other man taunted cleverly, setting a hidden challenge for Alexander to fight him in his words. Much to Jefferson’s surprise however, Alex just responded with a: “I really can’t deal with you right now.” 

His voice was faint and sounded exhausted. In fact, the more Thomas looked Alexander up and down, the more he noticed how absolutely wrecked the other man looked. His hair was sticking up in numerous directions, the bags under his eyes were dark and more prominent than ever, his lips were chapped, his skin was pale, he looked distracted. Something was simply not right with Alex and that began to nag at Thomas slowly. 

“What’s wrong with you?” He asked simply, cutting to the chase as to not dance around any questions. With Hamilton, it was okay to be direct. 

Alexander looked at him for a second, wondering if should just come out with the truth but bit his tongue, knowing that Thomas would probably make fun of him and tell everybody else. “Fuck off.” He said simply before brushing past Thomas, a tear slipping down his cheek. 

Thomas stood there, confused and completely unaware of what he had just done. He watched as Hamilton raced out of the room, his stuff messily stacked in his arms. Thomas had an urge to follow the smaller man, interrogate him until he spoke but decided that was probably one of the worst ideas he’d ever had. Hamilton wasn’t exactly going to give him his most personal secrets -- they were enemies for heaven’s sake. Thomas still shook his head at the worry rising up into his chest once more and packed up as well, leaving the damned office in the same hour Alex had. 

***

Alexander got home, totally sweating and panting seeing as he had run home as fast as possible. The buses didn’t run that late and Alex didn’t want to ask any more favours from Peggy and Eliza -- they had already done so much for him so he simply felt too guilty to ask anymore of those angels he called the Schuyler sisters. The run home had been terrifying to say the least. He was paranoid the entire time that someone would jump out of the bushes and attack him. That’s the point he started running. Either way, he was home now and he felt relatively safe. He smiled when he realised Peggy and Eliza were cuddled up on the couch, making use of his Netflix. They didn’t notice that he’d walked in but when he cleared his throat they were on their feet and rushing toward him, ready to fuss once more. 

“So how was your day at work ‘Lex?” Peggy asked excitedly. Alexander just rolled his eyes and gave her small fond smile. 

“It didn’t go as badly as I thought it would. Thomas was being a dick. He kept bringing up the club.” Alex said, sighing and running his hand through his hair for what felt like the millionth time that day. 

“Do you need us to fight him?” Eliza quickly said, a serious look on her face. 

He shook his head quickly and hugged them both tightly. “No, I’m just glad that I’m back here right now. Just enjoying being around you both.” 

They both aww’ed and told him to go take a shower -- relax. He nodded and they both went home. He wasn’t too scared, he knew they’d be back in the morning again. He quickly got ready for bed, changing as quickly as humanly possible and wearing boxers while he showered. All his anxiety about work went away slowly as he allowed his eyes to drift shut. 

He slept for the first time in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh now that the weekends here, my mental health is a lot better and it means so much that yall actually worried about me omg <3 also ~ GOOD NEWS! me and the amazing writer showtiime are collabing on a new jamilton fic! keep your eye out for it ~ its gonna be so good haha! we already began writing. i love u all so much and i hope you enjoy this new chapter! it means so much that people are reading<3
> 
> please leave a comment telling me how i did!
> 
> song i listened to while writing this:   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQWs0AYFq4k


	5. No Hope and No Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is unedited currently so there will probably be typos and grammatical errors!!   
> edited version will be up tomorrow!!

Alexander awoke when two particular Schuyler Sisters thought it’d be absolutely hilarious to pounce on him at god-fucking-knows o’clock in the damn morning.

He screamed and sat upwards, the two sisters looking down at him, a huge grin on both their faces as the began to play with his hair, tucking it behind his ear and combing it out while talking about how he was going to be late for work. He now regretted allowing them to come to his house every morning. On the positive side however, he managed to get to sleep for the first time in a while. And it wasn’t a bad sleep -- it was a full night’s, semi-nightmareless sleep and Alex couldn’t have felt more grateful if he wanted too. However, as previously mentioned, it wasn’t completely lovely. Some time during the night, he woke up, shakes coursing through his body, breath unstable and quick, eyes blown open, heart beating out of his chest, and tears still running down his cheeks. 

He winced at the brief memory and scolded himself slightly. He shouldn’t have been thinking about that to begin with -- he’d read on the internet somewhere that the best way to recover from a traumatic experience was to try and appreciate the positivity around him rather than focus all his energy on the negativity. For as easy as that was to read, it was a lot harder to practice. No matter how much he tried to tell himself that he could get over the night at the club, he still managed to slip into flashbacks. He wanted them to stop. He wanted the night to have never happened. What if he had just decided not to go out that one time? What if. Life wasn’t made up of what if’s -- things happened and he was meant to deal with it. 

He didn’t want to deal with it, though. 

Fuck, he didn’t even want to acknowledge the fact that it was a rape. He couldn’t bring himself to believe it. He kept trying to find anyway he could bring the blame back to himself. It’s your fault, Alex. You idiot, you shouldn't have worn jeans that tight. You shouldn’t have gone out. You should’ve fought back more. He frowned as these thought filled his mind again. He hated them. It hurt his head to think too deeply about. 

He sighed, bringing his attention back to the real world. Peggy and Eliza were staring at him with concern written all over their features. This good morning had took a turn for the worse really quickly but he had already reached a point in his “recovery” where he had lost all faith in most things. His happiness wasn’t sticking around, his sanity wasn’t sticking around, and worst of all, he had a looming doubt that his friends would stick around too. He didn’t want to be unhappy -- honestly! It was just something that happened and he couldn’t control. He tried to justify it to himself but more often than not, he made himself feel worse. 

“Are you okay, Alex?” Betsey lay her hand lightly on his cheek in an attempt to reconnect him with the real world. She knew he had tendencies to drift off, especially in times like these. 

He nodded numbly. “I sometimes think of how it was before I guess.” He mumbled, running his hand through his hair. It fell loosely over his shoulders, glistening in the morning light. 

He saw the pain and sympathy flash over their eyes. He tried to give them a little smile but it wasn’t convincing either of them for a second. They only sighed and kissed his cheek, saying sweet words which would’ve helped in an idealistic world. He couldn’t blame them. They were trying their best and had done so much good for him. He loved them dearly. 

“I gotta get ready for work.” He cut them off, a shy smile on his face. 

Eliza nodded and smiled before hopping off the bed, Peggy not far behind her as they ran out of the room. He got off the bed hesitantly, glancing at the time. He had 20 minutes before he should begin leaving for the work. Quickly, he grabbed the top suit from his drawer and slipping it on, grunting when he realised how wrinkled they were. The rest he did without thinking -- it wasn’t any important process to him and he knew if he allowed himself to think, many bad things would happen. 

Alexander looked himself up and down in the mirror, hating how exhausted he still looked. Whatever, close enough. 

***

Alexander managed to get out of the apartment eventually after being tweaked to as perfect as he could be by Eliza and Peggy. 

He got onto the public bus, knowing now he had way too much time to contemplate. He hated this part of his days now. He didn’t need any extra time to think back. To try and distract his mind, he put his headphones in and swiped to some random Coldplay song, hoping that it would calm his mind, however, it was just his luck to have it land on ‘The Scientist’. He nibbled on his fingernails as he allowed the song to play, knowing the chorus would hit too close to home.

_Nobody said it was easy  
Nobody said it would be this hard._

That’s when he felt unwanted emotions swelling in his chest. He quickly fumbled to change the song, finger hovering over the ‘skip’ button. He couldn’t bring himself to push it as he attempted to relax and rest on the uncomfortable chair. Damn public transport. It didn’t take long for the bus to get to his office and luckily, the stupid song came to a close as he got off the bus. He sighed, not liking the idea of going into work again. He knew he’d skip lunch, type relentlessly, have to speak to people and none of that seemed appealing in anyway. Especially to someone who felt like he was going to shatter if he had any extensive social interaction. 

He plastered a small smile on his face and walked into the building, practically holding his breath and hoping it’d have the same effect as it did in ‘Spirited Away’. As soon as he stepped through the entrance of the building, he could see Jefferson’s lovely poof of curls over a small mass of people. He winced, remember the events of the day before. He should’ve gone easier on Jefferson, he shouldn’t have ran out like that. Plus, imagine how embarrassing that would’ve looked for him. He began to have second thoughts and was this close to leaving the building as quickly as humanly possible but just as he was about to turn on his heel, he heard an obnoxious voice.

“Hamilton. I don’t think we finished our conversation yesterday.” Jefferson gave Alexander his trademark smirk.

Alex cringed slightly, recoiling. He saw a flash of worry cross Jefferson’s face but it was quickly covered up with indifference once more. “I don’t want to talk about it.” His voice sounded dangerously small, pleading. 

Thomas immediately backed off, not used to Alexander showing any vulnerability or weakness. He opened his mouth to say something but shut it when he couldn’t think of any words. Alex looked at him wearily, waiting for him to comfort him, make fun of him, back off, anything. Thomas just nodded, the new found mercy softening his features greatly. Alex was satisfied with his response, otherwise lack of and briskly moved past the taller man. 

He ran off to his office immediately, unpacking his briefcase slowly. He didn’t want to do any work but he knew that sitting around at home feeling bad for himself wasn’t exactly the best idea either. He opened his mac, eyeing the document in front of him, debating whether he wanted to continue where he left off or not. After a moment’s thought, he decided he’d surf the web a little before he actually began. That ‘little’ turned into several hours of finding amusement with mediocre funny animal videos on youtube. He knew he should’ve tried to stray from this but he couldn’t help it -- laughter and happiness was so foreign to him now that he didn’t want to leave the videos. At one point in his browsing adventures, he noticed a particularly eye catching suggestion. 

“ _Rape victim interrogated._ ” 

Without thinking it through, he clicked on the video, watching the little buffering symbol before it started. It was clearly a news program and there were two people on screen. One of whom he assumed was a news anchor and the other most likely the victim. The victim was a woman wearing a casual but elegant red dress, red lipstick and had beautiful curly hair that fell over her shoulders gently. She looked apprehensive but was clearly putting on a strong facade. The interviewer asked her a question and she answered. Alex found himself getting bored before the interviewer asked a strange question. A question that made his heart stop. 

“Have you considered that it might be your fault?” He asked. 

Alexander balled up his fists. The girl looked taken aback but answered the question slowly, cautiously. Then the questions started getting worse ranging from -- “Don’t you think what you were wearing was too sexy,” and “You can’t blame him, he’s a man.” Alexander felt his breath quickening with disgusting questions, triggering memories of his self hatred, self blaming and it hit him all at once exactly why it wasn’t his fault. He watched the girl, Maria was her name, grow more and more distraught with every coming question. He felt an urge to go into the screen, comfort her, say that he knew where she’s at but all that came out was a small whimper as he frantically wiped at his cheeks. 

He was sad and happy. He was happy that he finally found reason to not blame himself. Not think it could’ve been prevented. But he was sad because it hurt so much. He was raped. That was so weird to think. He’d hear about it on the news when he was a child but he never thought something like that could ever happen to him and that’s why he sat in his office crying his eyes out. Quickly, he stood up, shoving everything into his briefcase trying to leave the damned building as fast as possible. He was shaking, dropping pens and pencils all over the place as he tried to contain his emotions as much as he possibly could. 

Then the worst thing that could’ve possibly happened, happened. 

“Hamilton, what are yo- are you okay?” Jefferson’s cocky judgemental voice turned to concern as soon as Hamilton looked up, noticing the tears streaked down the other’s cheeks. 

Alexander panicked further, his breath hitching as he sprinted as fast as he could past Jefferson, not sparing the other another glance as he ran as fast as his legs could carry him. He felt shitty. Like really shitty. This is the one thing he feared -- breaking down at work. He didn’t need the drama. _But of course, Alexander Hamilton would find more excuses to cause drama_ he thought bitterly to himself as he got on the next bus home. 

This was bad. He felt bad. 

***

Thomas Jefferson stood there in Alexander Hamilton’s office stunned. What the fuck was that? He had caught his enemy crying and frantically packing up his stuff before sprinting out of the office. He was more than confused. Confused was the understatement of the century. He felt concern begin to grow in him as he stood there for 5 minutes, motionless. Why was he so concerned -- theses were Hamilton’s affairs and he had no reason to get involved within them. It wasn’t fair for him to get involved anyways. 

But then again, Alexander looked really upset about something. Shouldn’t Thomas have his own moral responsibility to find out what was wrong and comfort a fellow human? Okay, perhaps his urge to comfort Alex wasn’t primarily his morals telling him to go to the man rather his strange liking toward him. Wait, did he just say he liked Alexander Hamilton -- the man who irritated him on a daily basis? No way, when did Thomas go soft. This was silly. However, this time, he decided he would go find Alex seeing as it would be against his morals to not comfort a crying colleague. Yeah, that’s the reason he’d use. 

He raced out of the office too, not stopping to have any conversations with those who attempted to stop him too. He got on the nearest bus, knowing where Alexander lived seeing as their addresses were available to those who worked for the company. They were close enough friends. Ish. The bus ride was tediously long -- all he could bring himself to do was bounce impatiently, needing to be there for Alex. 

Soon the bus stopped outside a large apartment building. He had never been to Alex’s house so the building was so foreign to him. It seemed boring -- grey concrete with bricks scattered throughout but the more he looked at it, the more he realised how pretty it was. The grey concrete has bits of paint peeling all over it, the orange bricks giving a gorgeous twist to the building and the more he stared, the more he realised how _Alex_ it was. Adrenaline was pumping through his veins along with growing worry. It was as if the elevator hated him and wasn’t moving fast enough for him. It felt really shitty. It reached Alex’s floor soon enough though and Thomas bolted down the hall so fast, curls bouncing on his shoulders. 

_402\. That was the number on Alex’s card, right?_

He knocked on the door, gently as to not scare off Alexander. It took a couple minutes before someone came to open it. The door creaked open slowly, Alex standing there looking messy and terribly upset. His eyes were red and puffy, tears were still brimming at the corners, his stature was small and submissive and most of all, his once bright eyes had turned dull and lifeless. 

“May I come in?” Thomas asked nervously. 

Alexander grunted and turned around, leaving the door open for Thomas to follow. He really could’ve cared less. He felt like he wasn’t capable of caring for anything at all let alone Thomas -- someone he truly did care about. At least before. The taller man followed in hesitantly before sitting down beside Alexander on his couch. He shifted awkwardly not know entirely what to say as Alex brought a small pillow to his chest, hugging it tightly. He didn’t look awkward or shy, just really really broken. Raw. Drained. 

“What is it you need, Jefferson.” He said quietly, resting his head on top of the soft cushion. He felt like there was nothing to give a shit about so why should he give a shit about Thomas Jefferson watching him fall apart. 

Jefferson hesitated for a moment, trying to pick out the perfect words to say. “I need to know what’s wrong, Hamilton.” He replied softly. 

“Why is it any of your business?” Alexander’s voice grew impossibly smaller, more insecure, more shattered. 

“Because I care, dammit. You are my colleague and if you’re not going to tell anyone else at work, you might as well tell me.” His voice gave off an exasperated tone as the words rushed out. 

Alexander looked at him for a moment, taken aback by such strong words. He thought about it. What’s the worst that could come from him telling Thomas? Thomas wasn’t as low as to make fun of him. Maybe Thomas could help. He gave it another moment before meeting the other man’s eyes slowly. He took a deep breath and tried to force the words to come out. And that’s when he said everything. Telling the whole story to his enemy. He couldn’t stop it, it just kept coming and coming. He wasn’t paying attention to how Thomas was reactive rather how he had started crying again and how that was kind of sad. This wasn’t good. But it was so good at the same time. 

As for Thomas, he was sat there, eyes wide, shock covering his features as he listened to Alexander describe the violent rape. He couldn’t really describe exactly how he was feeling. It was something that felt really really wrong in his chest, a weird pounding at the back of his mind, a terrible terrible feeling that ate away of what was left of him. Alexander finished up, both of them were trembling. Thomas didn’t know what to do so he didn’t do anything for a good 2 minutes or so. And then he reached over, draping an arm around the smaller man who seemed surprised at the gentle touch. 

“It’s okay.” He whispered, tugging Alex close. The other man moved slowly and leaned on Thomas lightly, finding this new sensation weird. 

“No, it’s not.” He replied, his voice still shaky and the tears still falling. 

“I know, but it will be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter means a lot to me. I relate to it on a deep level and wish this kind of support was shown to me as well -- i guess ill just settle for fantasy though. anyways, i really hope you guys enjoyed this, i really enjoyed writing this even though it's kind of just word vomit. i love yall so much!
> 
> please leave a comment telling me how i did!
> 
> song i listened to while writing:   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOE2SxPXb9w

**Author's Note:**

> hey loves so this is my first chapter of my second multi chapter jamilton fic ------ woahhhhhh <3 so i hope you enjoy this one as much as others enjoyed my last one!! i cant wait to see where this one goes ;)
> 
> please leave a comment telling me what you think and how i did and even some ideas for what you want to see happen! 
> 
> song i listened to while writing this:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai5lCfZnNlc


End file.
